82. "Will you miss Kabul?"

The other day, I was in a beat up taxi traveling across town with a friend of mine. It was raining, there was mud every where, and people were irritated and angry. As we drove by one half built, half destroyed building after another in silence with only the sound of old classic Hindi songs coming from the car radio, my friend turned to me and asked, "Are you going to miss Kabul?"

I opened my mouth to answer but realized I didn't know what the answer was. I eventually responded with something to the effect of, " I will miss the experiences and people who have become a part of my life." But as we both fell back into silence, I turned my face toward the window and asked myself, "Would I miss Kabul?"

Kabul has become just a piece of land to me. All the hopes I had for it's development and the images I had conjured in my head of clean paved roads lined with green trees and flower beds leading to beautifully built homes and tall skyscrapers where happy and healthy families lived and worked in a peaceful and free nation never became reality. As I looked out the car window, all I saw was cratered roads covered with pools of mud flying every where as hundreds of beat up cars caked with mud fought for space on the road with carts, pedestrians, bikes and shivering stray dogs. We passed by a massive hole in the ground with steel foundations jutting up where a 20 story condominium complex was suppose to be built but was abandoned eventually like all the other projects in Kabul. We drove under a newly built pedestrian over crossing which no one uses as they continue to cross the street through rush hour traffic causing an even further delay for the unlucky passengers and drivers waiting in exhaustion in their cars to move up two feet. Even buildings and homes that have been newly built look like they have gone through war. But it was the garbage dumping site in the center of Kabul city that we drove by where children and adults were rummaging through for scraps they could take home that really brought home how far away from my hopes and dreams Kabul had gone.

It would be unfair to Kabul for me to say that I will not miss it at all. But what I will miss are the relationships I have built with it's inhabitants, the memorable experiences that will live in my memory for the rest of my life and the opportunities it provided me to grow into a strong and socially conscious citizen of the world. Not all the relationships I built in Kabul were good ones. I have been used, lied to and taken advantage of by some. But I have also developed relationships with some amazingly inspiring individuals which gave me unconditional camaraderie, friendships that are unbreakable regardless of where we all end up in this great big world and a sense of community as I built my very own social unit of friends from all over the world that have shared in my experiences.

Similarly, all my experiences haven't been positive. I have dodged bullets, been trapped in my house as bombs were going off and a gun battle was happening outside the front gate, survived kidnapping threats, been trapped inside the Salang Tunnel for hours in a blizzard, spents nights in the filthiest guesthouses you can imagine, suffered heartbreak, heard inappropriate comments from people on the street who thought I was a foreigner who doesn't understand Dari and as recently as 2 weeks ago had suicide bombers captured on the street I live on. But I have also experienced love, picnics by the gushing waterfall in Istalif, living in a place surrounded by an overwhelmingly breathtaking and picturesque landscape, an opportunity to learn about the history of Afghanistan by walking through it. I visited tombs of past rulers and forts where brave soldiers defended the city from invaders. I visited the palaces of kings, climbed up the wall that was built by one of Afghanistan's rulers who wanted to divide Kabul in half and walked through Shohada burial grounds among the graves of great figures who have shaped the culture and history of Aghanistan.

I can definitely say that Kabul has challenged me as a person in ways I never imagined I would be challenged. Having lived in this city for so many years I have had my share of fear, lonliness, discomfort and trauma. But it's these challenges that have made me stronger, wiser, smarter and more sure than ever that I can successfully overcome any challenge that life throws at me from now on. If I survived this, I can pretty much survive anything that I am faced with in the future. Kabul forced me to shed the luxuries I took for granted in my life, live at a very primitive level with only the absolutely basics needed for survival, not to rush into judgements and to appreciate every thing and every one I am blessed to have in my life.

As our taxi inched closer and closer to our destination, I closed my eyes and could hear the laughter of the last 10 years, feel the pain of loss and loneliness, shudder at the memories of the extreme challenges I faced head on and cringed as I remembered the filth and disgusting odor. My heart swelled with pride as all my personal and professional achievements came rushing to my mind and then nearly exploded from pain as I remember my heart being broken. My hands started shaking as I remember the sounds of the explosions and guns firing close to me, my ears started ringing as I remembered the loud obnoxious music at the weddings of friends and colleagues I attended and my mind started racing as I realized all that Kabul had given me. As our taxi slowed to a stop in front of our destination, a warm sensation came over me as I opened my eyes. As I wiped away my silent tears, I found my answer....Yes, I will miss Kabul.