107. Return to the Blog

It's been two and a half months since Afghanistan has fallen back into the hands of the Taliban and my world has collapsed around me.  I had retired this blog a number of times in the past but it seems like it is more important now than ever to activate it and continue what I started.  For those of you who are new to my blog, I have spent the majority of my adult life living and working in Kabul.  I have tried through this blog to share my experiences of what that was like to provide readers with a perspective that is different than what is shown on TV.  I have shared the good, the bad and the ugly.  

These last few weeks I have spent a significant amount of time reminiscing, reflecting and trying to make sense of what has happened.  I have grappled with grief, mourning, depression, loss, shock, sadness, anxiety, frustration, anger and despair.  I can confidently tell you that I have never experienced something like this in my life before.  I don't even know what to call it.  The worst of it is the feeling of helplessness. For weeks, I have worked around the clock to help my friends and colleagues find safety and have failed.  I have had countless conversations with them about their fears, their sense of loss and frustration, their hopelessness and their desperation. I have tried to give them strength, hope, friendship and comfort. I know it's not much but it's all I had to give.  Out of all the emotions I am feeling, it's the sense of helplessness that is the most overwhelming.  I have not been able to help anyone get evacuated. I have not been able to help anyone get to the US. I have not even been able to help myself come to terms with this.  I have spent two decades of my life trying to erase everything that the Taliban stand for and today the country that I gave my blood and sweat to was handed right back to them.  

The media has already moved on from Afghanistan to other stories and the world is slowly forgetting about what is happening there.  If there is one thing I can still do, it's to make sure that the Afghanistan of the last 20 years is not forgotten.  Millions of Afghans built lives out of nothing which has now been ripped away from them.  Overnight, they went from having normal lives like the rest of us to either find themselves in hiding, living like prisoners in their homes or in refugee camps around the world.  Just 9 weeks ago, the woke up, went to school and work, went on picnics, went shopping, wore whatever clothing they wanted, listened to music, watched entertaining shows on TV, traveled to other countries knowing they will return home at the end of their trips, and went to sleep in their own beds knowing they were free and safe and in peace.  Yes, there was insecurity and crime.  But there was also freedom, dignity, ownership and pride.  People had careers, they could go to hospitals and get treatment, they could access their funds in their bank accounts, their children could play outside without fear and trauma, girls and women could go to school and work....just 9 weeks ago.  

I have recently gone through and re-read all my posts on this blogs. It was both painful and therapeutic at the same time.  I hope that what I have shared and what I will continue to share is enlightening and informative.  I am not a professional writer so I apologize for the choppiness.  I will not post news or focus on the Taliban.  What I do promise to do is stay true to my life there and share with you everything I experienced.  I became and adult in Afghanistan and this country has given me my identity.  I have loved a lot in my life, but my true love has alway been and will always be Afghanistan.  So, with a heavy heart, I have decided to journey back in time to continue posting about my experiences over the past 20 years and share with you my Afghanistan.