51. Guilt

How does one deal with guilt? There is the guilt you feel for enjoying something forbidden, which passes rather quickly. Then there is guilt for taking something that isn't yours, which can be rectified easily by returning it, replacing it or substituting it with something else. But what do you do with guilt about something that you can't get over or for something that is irreplaceable? 

Today, I lost a driver I had hired to deliver some products for me in Jalalabad to one of my clients. The passengers, who were my colleagues, have suffered pretty severe injuries and their lives are in jeopardy. I live in a country where death is a part of everyday life in every sense of the word. Each day innocent and helpless lives are taken brutally. Death comes in many forms here...most of them, in any other parts of the world, would have been preventable. 

Sometimes I wonder if Afghans are being punished for something they have done. But what? They have sacrificed their health, their happiness, their youth, their culture, their nation, their voices, their freedoms, their opportunities. And still, they are losing. I struggle everyday in the face of racism, sexism and every other obstacle you can imagine to help those around me have a better live...a brighter future. But tonight, I can't help but feel like I had a part in taking the life of this driver. I pray that sleep will bring with it numbness to take away this guilt.