22. HOV, PLEASE!!!

If you think traffic in downtown Los Angeles or New York is bad, try venturing out in Kabul. I went out yesterday to pick up some poster tubes and it took me 40 minutes to go 5 kilometers (this should normally take about 5 minutes). What's worse is that it wasn't even rush hour. There are more cars in this city than people. Its not out of the ordinary to sit in the same spot for long periods of time. Normally, in the west, I can come up with very creative ways to pass time while stuck in traffic (ie. put on my make up, listen to the radio talk shows, make a phone call, open my mail, read a book, do my nails, braid my hair) but my options are limited here in Kabul. So I have resorted to just staring out the window and have made some very interesting observations: 

1) There are more taxi's here than in the entire city of New York. 

2) Driving an SUV gives you the right to run people down. 

3) Pedestrians have earned my respect. Their challenge is to get to their final destination ALIVE. 

4) Fender benders can create great friendships and are frequently resolved with a hand shake or a quick hug and a 500 AF bill (approx. $10) 

5) Road rage = get out of your car and start a fist fight ending up with the poor cop getting the black eye for trying to break it up. 

6) Rubber necking = usually lasts about 1-2 full minutes of looking past the crowd of pedestrians who immediately surround the accident and trying to first and foremost see if you can get a glimpse of the foreign woman sitting in the back seat, then assessing the damage to the vehicle, and then discussing it with the other passengers in the car. Then when you have thoroughly exhausted all possible topics on the matter, and the vehicles behind you are threatening to pound your car in, you move on. 

7) Anyone with open wounds, a heart condition, or Crohn's disease should not travel by car in Kabul. 

8) Traveling down some roads feel worse than probably traveling on the surface of the moon. There aren't pot holes in Kabul...there are CRATERS! 

9) If you want to keep your lunch down, don't travel right after a meal. 

10) Stopping for a herd of sheep crossing the street is very normal. 

11) There is no reason to be alarmed if a man comes up to the window and starts staring at the foreign female passenger inside for no reason but to just stare. 

12) Getting an "espand" session to cast off the evil spirits and jinns is pretty common when you are stuck in traffic. I'm sure my mom will be relieved to hear this. 

13) You can pretty much park any where your heart desires....including smack in the middle of the road causing a huge pile up behind you and not giving a damn about all the obscenities being yelled at you. 14) A smile from the pretty foreign lady in the back seat gets you past pretty much any check point. 

15) There are fewer women out on the streets than I remember...but who would blame them? Between the ever increasing dust in the air and the dirty smelly men and their lame attempts at grabbing a piece of a$&, what woman would want to walk the streets of Kabul? 

16) There are now organized groups of beggars that have a strategic plan on how to surround your SUV and cry on the spot as they beg for money. But can immediately make the tears go away as they turn away leaving you to quickly transition from utter heart wrenching sadness to shock at being jipped and then disappointment at realizing these kids have made this a way of life. 

17) If you end up stuck in traffic, make sure it's near a bakery so you can smell the aroma of fresh baked bread rather than excess sewage spills and trash. 

18) Traffic cops probably don't have a very long life span. If the the millions of cars passing them by completely ignoring their instructions don't kill them, then the stress of the job will. 

19) Traffic lights and stop signs are there for decorative purposes only. 

20) If you want to bond with your driver and body guard, take a trip through rush hour traffic with them. You'll have enough time to hear their life story, learn the names of their children, see where they dodged bombs and rockets, find out what their favorite food is, learn about their hobbies and special talents, and learn again, how entertaining and interesting real Afghan people are. 

All sarcasm aside, I think I have a solution for this problem. I noticed that's it very rare to find more than 1 or two people in a car these days. I propose that the City of Kabul enforce an HOV policy where people get cited on the spot for carrying less than 4 passengers in a car. I am glad that people are financially in a better place these days where they can afford a car, but if the bombs don't kill us here, the smog and traffic will.