95. Cabin Fever

I started hyperventilating today.  It started out with knots in my stomach which I convinced myself was due to hunger but then I ate lunch and it didn't go away.  The tightness continued to move into my chest and filled my entire torso and finally made its way up to my throat.  I kept grasping for air but I felt like someone or something was choking me.  I got up and went outside my office and took a couple of deep

breaths and felt a little better.  But I think I freaked out Mah Mah Shirin. 

I thought a lot about what could have caused it and after eliminating a list of crazy things like being poisoned by the Sales Manager, a gas leak, lack of oxygen in my air tight office, being put under a spell or befriending those of the Jinn species...I concluded that I just have cabin fever.  I realized that in the last couple of weeks, the only time I have been outside was the few seconds it takes to get in and out of the car, walking between my office and the main building at work (which is about a 45 second walk) or crossing the street to go to the French Bistro from my apartment.  The rest of the time, I have been inside a room...either my bedroom, my office, some other person's office or inside the Bistro.  

I thought about the life of many of the women in this country who don't ever see the outside of their homes.  They don't go to work, school, shopping, parties, restaurants, parks, the movies, concerts, festivals or even to the doctors office.  I don't know how they survive.  I feel like the walls are closing in on me.  I thought of taking a walk around the block to just get some air but decided that was a luxury not afforded to me.  Even if I could get past the mud and slush covering the roads, the fumes and dust in the air, the cars trying to run each other over, the stray dogs ready to attack any living thing and the potholes every couple of feet, I don't think I could survive the glares of the men, the crowd that would undoubtedly gather to follow me and the disrespectful comments typically thrown to a female innocently walking down the street.

I have an Afghan friend who moved here from the US like me and walks around town rather frequently.  When I ask her how she does it, she says she doesn't notice her surroundings.  She doesn't see the stares or hear the comments.  I am jealous of her.  I wish I can develop that one way mirror wall around me that won't let in all that ugliness but would let me look out and see the natural beauty of this country.  I guess I can always keep hoping...in the mean time, I am going to be carrying around a paper bag to breath into.